Bullying Advice 

for Parents

Finding out that your child is being bullied is a stressful and distressing experience. It’s natural for a parent to feel anger, confusion and guilt.

Some children are good at hiding their feelings and the first you may know of the problem is when your child suddenly doesn’t want to go to school, or says they are ill when PE lessons are on the agenda.

Other pointers can be:

• Coming home with cuts and bruises
• Torn clothes
• Asking for stolen possessions to be replaced
• Losing’ lunch money
• Falling out with previously good friends
• Being moody and bad tempered
• Being quiet and withdrawn
• Wanting to avoid leaving the house
• Aggression with brothers and sisters
• Doing less well at schoolwork
• Insomnia
• Anxiety

The worst thing to do is to over-react and storm into school demanding action. Bullying Online is regularly contacted by parents who have lost their temper and ended up banned from the premises or in trouble with the police.

Don’t forget that if you didn’t know your child was being bullied then the school may not have realised it either. The class teacher/head of year isn’t your child’s constant companion and isn’t a mind reader.

If you think your young child is being bullied, but you’re not sure, then ask a few simple questions:

• What did they do at school today?
• Did they do anything they liked?
• Did they do anything they didn’t like?
• Who did they play with?
• What sort of games did they play?
• Did they enjoy them?
• Would they have liked to play different games with someone else?
• Are they looking forward to going to school tomorrow?

For an older child you can ask:

• What did they do at lunchtime today?

• Is there anyone they’d like to invite home?
• Is there any lesson at school they don’t  like?
• Is there anyone at school they don’t like and why?
• Are they looking forward to going to school tomorrow?

HOW TO APPROACH THE SCHOOL

In the first instance, at a primary or secondary school, see the class teacher and explain your worries in a friendly non-confrontational way.  Ask how your child is getting on with others in class and raise any issues of conflict with other children.

Ask if the teacher has noticed that your child seems unhappy and isolated and is being excluded from games in the playground or regularly not having a partner to work with in class.

Ask the class teacher, or the head of year at secondary school, if he/she can keep an eye on the situation and let you know if they have any concerns. Ask what the teacher suggests would be the best way of sorting it out. At a primary school perhaps the supervisors could take a more active role in the playground by keeping an eye on your child and ensuring that people are not excluded from games.

Secondary schools may not be aware that there are some areas of the school pupils feel are unsafe, the toilets often come into this category. By telling the head of year where the bullying is happening, supervision can be increased so that the bullies are caught red handed, meaning that your child can’t be accused of telling tales.

At this stage it can be helpful to try to increase your child’s circle of friends, by inviting a number of children home regularly, to forge stronger friendships.

If bullying continues:

• Keep a diary of what your child says is happening
• Or get your child to keep his/her own diary
• Write a note to the class teacher or head of year, explaining that the problem is still unresolved
• Ask for your letter to be put onto your child’s school file, together with a note of action taken
• Suggest that contact between the bully and your child is monitored and limited, perhaps by the bully moving to another table or set

That often does the trick, but if not, it’s time to write to the head teacher, outlining everything that has gone on, and including evidence from the diary to back up your complaint. Putting a complaint in writing is essential so that there is a record of your concern.

Schools have a duty of care, and allowing a child to be continually bullied when the school has been alerted to the problem could be seen as a breach of that duty.

In your letter to the head teacher ask what strategy the head can introduce to deal with the problem and how he/she will monitor it to make sure it is effective.

Ask what action has been taken on earlier bullying complaints. Schools have a variety of sanctions they can use. These include:

• A warning
• Calling the bully’s parents in to school
• Detention
• Internal exclusion within school
• Fixed term exclusion
• Permanent exclusion

If bullying is happening in the changing rooms, in the corridors or playground then ask for supervision to be increased. If the school says it does not have the resources then explain that you are not asking for all the children to receive increased supervision, only the bully.

Ask for a copy of your complaint to the head teacher to be answered in writing and for a copy of it to be put onto your child’s school file with a note of action taken.

If your child is particularly unhappy then take him/her to the doctor so that his/her distress can be recorded and if appropriate, medication or counselling can be started. A letter from your doctor to the school, stressing the effect bullying is having on your child’s health can also be helpful.

Many children are staying away from school due to bullying. They are either too frightened to go in, or their parents are keeping them at home because they feel their complaints are not being handled properly.

Parents risk prosecution if their children fail to go to school and are not being taught the curriculum at home. Children staying at home in these cases are regarded as truants or an unauthorised absence. 

It’s wise, when your child is so stressed by bullying, and so frightened that they can’t face school, to telephone the  education welfare officer (sometimes called an education social worker) to explain the situation and to ask him/her to intervene with the school to get the bullying stopped.

The education welfare officer’s role is to ensure that children do attend school and they normally step in when a school alerts them that a child has been absent for a short period of time but if you feel your child may stop going to school then ask their advice straight away.

Fortunately, most schools now take their responsibilities over bullying very seriously, all state schools are supposed to have bullying policies by law. Ask for a copy of that policy and see whether it contains anything to help you to resolve the problem.

For instance, it may lay down a procedure to be followed over complaints and explain how those complaints will be treated. Make a note of the way in which your complaints have been dealt with and how they differ from the way they are supposed to be dealt with in the policy.

If the school asks you to go in to discuss the matter, then try to take a partner or friend with you. Make notes of the points you want to make beforehand and be firm and polite. Don’t get into an argument.

After each visit send a letter to the school outlining the points of the meeting and action you have been told they will be taking. Ask to see the school bullying policy if you haven’t already seen it. If you weren’t happy with what you were told at the meeting then say so in the letter.

You have now done more than enough for the problem to be resolved, but unfortunately many parents still find that bullying continues.

The next step is to contact the chair of governors. You can get his/her name from the school office. Write to him/her at the school address. Explain the background and enclose any letters between you and the head. Ask for an immediate investigation. Make sure that as many governors as possible are aware of your complaint.

The governing body should treat your complaint seriously. When you complain to the chairman, send a copy of your complaint to your local councillor and ask for a meeting with him/her. Political parties have representatives on school governing bodies and if your local councillor is not one of them, he/she will have contacts who are.

Ask for a copy of your child’s school record. The governors have a legal obligation to provide this within 15 school days, excluding weekends and holidays, but you will be asked to pay around 15p per sheet for photocopying. (There is further advice on getting a copy of the record in the section on that topic).

This is also the time to start asking questions of other parents. Your child may not be the only bullying target and you may find other parents are keen to back you up in your complaint.

If this doesn’t work, the next step is for you to make a formal complaint to education welfare officer and ask for an investigation to be carried out and a report issued.

In fairness to Department of Education, it should be said that where pupils are removed from one school to another due to bullying the Department of Education would not necessarily know about the problem unless parents tell them. They do not need to be involved in a school transfer unless there is an appeal for a place.

Ask the education welfare officer how many other complaints of bullying have been reported to the  Department of Education involving the same school. Ask if the  Department of Education (education social worker) has been involved. She/he has to visit pupils whose parents have removed them and who are at home. This may prompt Department of Education officials into asking if the school has a problem if there have been a series of complaints.

If you do not feel that your concerns have been properly investigated you can complain to the Local Government Ombudsman - who cannot investigate the internal workings of schools but can look at the Department of Education's role in investigating your complaint. Also make sure you contact your TD.

Your final recourse is to the Minster for Eduation, where your complaint will be dealt with by the Pupils and Parents branch. Again, send a full set of documents. Officials can only order action to be taken if your child is still a pupil at the school, so if he/she has been removed, there is nothing the Minster for Eduation can do.

LEGAL ACTION

Having one’s day in court is likely to extend into several stressful and upsetting days in which the child’s school life is raked over and they may be accused of bringing the bullying on themselves. They, and the parents, will have to relive the ordeal in public.

Which is why legal action should be avoided unless it is absolutely necessary.